Drive

 Measure me, 

Oh please, I insists. 

but one thing I know, 

I sit in front and always look for the back. 

Always to make sure at least not starving or too hot. 

Always apologized if the road bumpy and made him shaken.

Patiently waiting the back progressing moved forward,

towards me,

couldn't be so fast, 

but I knew he could. 

and earned to being a middle seat,

slowly moving, keep going,

learned to driving,

and finally able to be next to me. 

We hit the road. 

Roaming to milkyway

Radio's on and mind shifting. 

sense it? 

Placid

Your wings always there, 

since our beginnings, 

and your feet are never tied with the lasso. 

I let you already tho.

You know I did and do. 

You are as free as a blue bird, 

You are as true as steel,

You are believable as you said everything, even if it was a lie. 

There you stand on the top facing the south, 

Neither I force nor I trick, 

Neither I pushed nor tied.

You know where you should be heading to.

You know where you should be resting to.

All the time. 

Taciturnity

 

We came to companionship from a place of inner knowing,

platonic and serene, 

resilient rather than needy and wanting.

Not once did black ink splash our way

Not once we did mistake somone's belongings.

Purity and honesty.

Modesty and simplicity.

We have been wounded, yet we meant to mend.

We have been content, yet we strive for more.

We have dreamed, big little dreams we continue to build.

Not just promises.

Not just lullabies.

All proven by hard hands and the wrinkles on our eyes.

A love you can't even imagine to how many storms we have endured.

A love you haven't yet witnessed through decades.

A love that real and alive.

Don’t pity us. 

Pity yourself instead.

Venus

 

Processing the idea of future, 

even you cannot swap it from the deck of the card. 
depending on your third eyes,
how to see it thru. 

but you can't say anything when you are too blinded,
you can't sense anything when you are too insensitive,
you can't open your heart when you are too comparing, 
when will it stop?

I am coming from Mars and Pluto,
ruling both past and future, 

ruling both fire and water, 

ruling both light and darkness.

your whole world.

the key of your foundation. 

a keeper of your sanctuary. 

make it easy.

easily,

easy. 

Foolish

 

I guess,

I give you so much "to let you". 

I let you helped you when you being a nothing,

I let you found a way when u lost,

I let you loved me, 

I let you swam depth into me, 

I let you to entered my world that does not belong to someone else,

I let you being mine, 

and I being yours. 

I let you saw me losing my grip and grieving when my worlds collapse.

I let you saw me in my lowest point, 

I let you witnessed my best day and contented time, 

I let you slide to my solitude and hold my hand, 

I let you put that diamond ring on my finger, 

I let you sang song that maybe not many girls loved to hear it, 

I let you absorbed my veins and we were becoming one,

I let you live in me. 

and I let you ate my heart and soul,

I let you have your own bubbles and worlds, 

I let you got what you wanted: time, space, boundaries, trust;

I let you have nicknames that no one knows, 

I let you interpreted sad and incapable to; 

I let you played in infidelity. 

I let you see your two sided of the coin,

I let you to harm me, 

I let you slowly abused me, 

I let you manipulated me,

I let you humiliated me,

I let you fell in love with them, 

and I let you having your mood at home

 depending on how she was fucking you. 

I let you, in the name of trust, 

so you even feel the love even from the wrong side for whole years.  

I let you came again,

I let you live like usual, 

I let you disrespecting me, 

I let you got forgiveness.

I let you screamed "I don't love you anymore",

I let you wake up again from our room in the next morning. 

 

but alas!

I let you do it again

and again

and again

and again

over and over,

sucking the blood on your thirsty ego. 

I think

I let the door opened too big for you, 

so you easily pass by, 

come and go, 

full audacity 

and no apology,

all only

by your own terms. 

I let you.

Magnets

 

Celestial, 

Tell me how earth pointing us.

Denied, but the truth is we are magnets. 

You stood there next to her, but something pulled you.

I sat there facing him, but something pulled me.

even no contact at all, 

your sadness my sadness, 

your joy my joy, 

you know it like I know it.

Attracted us to the middle, 

and facing all.

How far you go,

How long you denied,

How much you resist, 

It all naturally platonic,

that

We are magnets. 

Eden

My body is your sacred temple,

where every scar speaks of love’s battle that you've won over me. 

soft and rough, 

tender and sweet, 

the most loyal hour,

My skin and soul are your wonderland,

only you hold the key in your hand.

The fragile garden, soft flowers bloom,

a place for you to contemplate and consume.

A home for your endless journey,

to resting your anger,

A foundation for your heart's deepest honesty.

 

Dream

you know where to call me, 

when and how, 

you know what you really really want, 

your need, 

no games and arena, 

all clear way.

and you know a love that could not destroy. 

"meet me in Montauk", in my dream I said. 

so meet me there. 

 

Prerogative

 

High demands, you need to look inside yourself.
You want to be a hero,
You want to be a knight.
You pursued a ghost,
Only to kill a lily.

In your world,

You repesents me as the toxicated devil. 

No matters,

In the name of truth, I'll take it.

So lies will fall down itself by the time. 

You pretended to stand alone,
For the benefit of your desires.
You want to look like a gentleman,
And clean up your name.

For better or worse,
For your version of your new beginning.



But my white wedding dress is a witness to your black matter;
Every time you touched the innocence, it left a black grain of your abused.
And now, it's as dark as Gargantua.



I contemplated the Milky Way;
It showed that it was not coming from last year,
It was even not coming from five years ago.



Our stories only lasted for the first three years;
The rest was how you fed your ego
And normalized the anomaly of our reality.

Primal Urge

 

You said, "stick it up to the man!" 
But what for? 

Have you thought about it? 

Stick it up as a man whom easily threw lies within the lies for years?

Stick it up as a man whom bleeds your soul 

only for lust and physical intimacy? 

Stick it up as a man whom buried himself inside the blanket

 when fire's burn? 

Stick it up as a man whom never say your name in his pray, only insulting yourself in behind of his friends?

Stick it up as a man whom abused his power 

only to killed a woman's life?

Stick it up as a man whom never been able to hold a woman tenderly and only did some nasty tricky things? 

Stick it up as a man whom see women as objects, so it is easy to humiliated and disrespected?

Stick it up as a man that the problem solving is to revenge

 not to educate? 

Stick it up to a man whom loves to turn the table of facts?

Is that even a man? 

History

I didn't know our heart sent signal from the future that there will be huge distance come thru two months later.

Even when we were dancing in a burning room,

still there is a foundest moment of us,

I picked it on my deepest tiny cell of my brain.

for myself at least, to appreciated your presence in my life.

Anticipatory grief since January,

where you sailed this boat to nowhere,

but I slip one tenderness to you.

to us.

Tracing your midnight steps to next room,

The sun was not even peeking,

You slept soundly,

and I gently shrink to your arms like a puffy pillow,

and touched your chest where your heart beating,

Following your breath,

Closing my eyes and focusing to your pulse.

flesh to flesh,

skin to skin,

We absorb each other; became one.

for the last 30 minute.

no fight,

no scream,

no harm,

no anger,

no blame,

no trick and game,

no lies,

no jealousy,

no tense.

A grand moment

peace,

silence,

the most secured place in the world,

a harmony for two souls,

30 minute before life's begin again.

A pure tenderness and serene.

Just like this,

to hold on more tightly for once more,

for the last 30 minute.

The Coolidge Effect

 

Everything is smart when you falling in love. 
Everything in your eyes. 
and different, 
and feels like brand new,
and beautiful,
and edgy, 
and sexy,
and lustrous, 
and interesting,

stimulating to your needs,

and romanticizing it as a savior,

and over, and over, 

Push and pull just like a moon to the waves,
and get, 
and win for awhile,
and cilmatic to the top. 

And then it is stop. 
Just stop. 

You don't know what to do next. 
You still pick roses over lilies. 
Their thrones make you bleeds, 
and it repeated again, 

As the fire to the earth to burn you inside out,
You lose the water that suppposed to nurture you wholly. 

Drench in liquor, lungs full of smokes, you try to break the mirror 

but it won't.

falls into the night tunnel,

Roses and Poppies are bilnding you to be a tally.

You know exactly;
You'll be empty again.

Bluntly

 

Last ride you used,

the heat still leave on the road. 

Not mention how sweet was the sin,
The sin we used to wear now you give to her. 
The sin we have now you proven to her.
The sin we shared, too crowded to stands. 

The sin you treated to the wall, the floor and the bed she used.
The sin you and she said, "it is our obstacle, we must persistent".

The sin that you've signed with a comma in every affection words.

The sin you've shown as trick and illusion so I hypnotized.

No need to hit us and break us down. 
I have marked alot to all over your body already. 
She tastes mine.

You never choose 'enough' so the end always 'too much'.

Hurricanes will never sleep, if you waits for it silent,
 it would never be.

How does it feels being a God of two moons? 

Jarring

Gifted with the ability to read encrypted signs,

a thin layer signed—

Simply a line in a song she played and the chores you serenade.

Just like a hide and seek on a 5th grade.

This vision is a curse, not a blessing.

I wish my insight didn’t need to be so sharp, leading me to some truth,

and making me feel like a real creep.

And your world points out that I am the weirdo just for protecting my peace,

Your world tells me that I am obsessed while your eyes act like stalkers,

Your world heartlessly makes me look like a lunatic after drinking your potion,

Your world keeps building a fortress of glass, tricks, and violence, even though it would break easily under my tenderness.

No use, because there’s no competition to kill each other here.

I've been dead, and you’ve murdered what we had—

Blood everywhere.

When the truth is,

your world made and created that frame for me.

Dua Seperempat - Tujuh

 

A FICTION.

15.45

Waktu yang sama ketika aku pergi dan sekarang berdiri disini. 

tapi angin dan wangi nya berbeda. 

Aku berdiri dilapangan bola. 

Ini di dalam perumahan.

Rasanya familiar.

Aku berjalan ke arah warung di depanku, 

hanya ada bapak tua yang sedang mendengarkan radio. 

aku berdiri di depan, sayup - sayup terdengar jingle pergantian acara radio, 

lalu terdengar pembawa berita membacakan berita saat ini, April tahun 1999?

tahun 1999? 

Aku menyeritkan dahi, berusaha menahan mual di perut.

 baru terasa perjalanan tadi sangat aneh. 

  mau beli apa? tanya si bapak tua memecahkan lamunan ku. 

aku menggeleng. lalu berjalan ke arah lapangan bola. 

Si bapak tua memperhatikan ku dari atas ke bawah, mungkin aku terlihat aneh untuk ukuran tahun ini. 

aku mencari tempat duduk yang agak teduh dan jauh dari orang. sejujurnya aku tidak tahu harus apa, 

mau apa. 

tapi aku rasa aku tahu siapa yang aku tunggu. 

 

15.55 

aku tidak tahu pasti, tapi mungkin algoritma nya yang membawa kesini. 

aku memperhatikan sekitar, 

tukang siomay 

pengamen yang duduk-duduk

ada tukang sol sepatu

tukang parkir 

motornya, motor bapakku jaman dulu 

aku tersenyum, 

sedikit nostalgia membuat hatiku hangat. 

aku menutup mataku dan menarik nafas. 

DUG! 

sebuah bola mendarat kencang di kepalaku, sumpah pusing sekali. 

rombongan bocah laki-laki berlari,

mungkin 6 anak,  

berteriak-teriak saling menyalahkan satu sama lain tapi saling bercanda. 

hayolo hayolo! 

Aku hanya manyun melihat mereka,  sakit benar kepalaku. 

Sampai ada satu anak yang di dorong-dorong temannya. 

Tubuhnya kurus, rambutnya agak pirang, pakai jersey bola hitam putih, dan matanya melihat mataku. 

Mata yang sama yang aku kenal dari 20 tahun yang lalu, hanya matanya yang ini polos.

Bukan biasan mata yang letih akan hidup yang biasa aku lihat.

Yang ini matanya mirip mata anak perempuanku. 

 

Hatiku berdegup. 

figure anak kecil tapi rasanya aku kenal dia sudah lama.

Dia. 

Jadi, aku kesini untuk bertemu Dia. 

Teman-temannya masih mendorongnya.

Memakai celana bola, kakinya kurus kecil dan memakai sendal jepit.

Bajunya terlihat kebesaran untuk ukurannya. 

Mukanya seperti mau marah, tapi aku bisa melihat air mata sudah di ujung matanya. 

Hei Hei! 

Teriak ku berusaha menenangkan anak-anak itu agar tidak jadi adu jotos. 

Sudah Sudah! 

Sebelum ada darah dan tangis, akhirnya aku tarik anak itu, 

lengan tangannya kurus sekali. 

anak itu menunduk. 

eh gapapa, 

kataku menenangkan. 

Agak takut juga aku, nanti dikira mau menculik dia. 

Udah gapapa kok, jangan di dengerin. main lagi sana. 

kataku menenangkan, 

Dia mengangkat wajahnya. 

Rasanya aneh, semua yang aku tahu tentangnya dia terlalu tinggi dan besar untukku, 

tapi sekarang yang berdiri didepan ku,

jauh lebih rapuh. 

Matanya basah karena air mata. 

nafasnya naik turun, 

antara marah atau malu karena menangis. 

Aku berlutut di depannya agar bisa sejajar dengannya, 

matanya melihat mataku.

ingin rasanya bilang, 

Semua yang apa yang dia lakukan ke aku di 20 tahun kedepan, 

Semua yang apa yang kita lalui, 

Tangis, marah, tawa, bahagia, benci, cinta, sayang, 

Semua janji-janji kami,

dan semua yang tertulis dan yang terlupakan. 

Semua sumpah dan penghianatan, 

Semua perasaan yang terungkap dan tidak terungkap. 

tapi yang berdiri di depanku adalah dia hanya bocah 9 tahun sekarang, 

matanya berlinang air mata. 

dan aku pun juga. 

aku peluk dia

erat

Aku menangis, 

ku berbisik

maafkan aku

maafkan aku

maafkan aku ,

aku maafkan kamu

semua akan baik-baik saja.

Nafas dia mulai tenang, 

matanya masih terpejam. 

ku lepaskan pelukanku 

lalu ku berdiri, 

berjalan lurus membelakanginya,

 

16.32

Sekarang aku paham kenapa aku disini. 

Saatnya aku kembali,

Kembali ke tempat ku tadi datang. 

Kembali menemuinya ke 20 tahun kedepan.